Do you make sure everyone is in charge of their own stuff, i.e. the kids book bag, shoes, socks, dishes, mail, etc.... their own responsibility, or make it universal, if you see it lying there... pick it up, it doesn't matter who's it is, we are a team and with that, we all need to work together?
Or are there limits to what we should be expecting our children, and I'll say it, our husbands to do? Maybe Because I've had to do it by myself for 5 years, I might be more aware now, but come on.... Do I really have to be in charge of EVERYONE'S stuff?
Is it wrong to give our Kids and Hubby's chores, and at what age is it OK for our children? My daughter is 6 going on 7 and I expect a lot from her.... but with the new baby coming.... can I give her more, should I? And what about Hubby, does his load increase too?
~Help!~
5 comments:
I think both picking up after yourself and others together is a reasonable expectation for everyone in the family.
I think husbands can have specific chores. In our house Collin takes out the trash, mows the lawn, fixes things and empties the dishwasher. He also usually brushes the kids' teeth and pays the bills. I do pretty much everything else:laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, taxi-ing, grocery shopping, etc. He sometimes makes the kids' lunches in the morning and makes dinner once, maybe twice a week. Aside from the lawn and bills and kids' lunches, I have to remind him to do these things, but I appreciate that he does them. It could be worse!
My own dad never even heated up a can of soup in his life. Once, my mom went on a trip without him. She came back and there was a fork in the freezer on a very dirty plate. He said he ate off the same plate and fork all week and put them in the freezer to inhibit bacterial growth. Aside from working super hard actually in the workplace as a stockbroker, he never ever lifted a finger at home. He never once changed a diaper or vacuumed or did yard work. It is not surprising to me that they got divorced!
I don't think you have to be in charge of everything. Especially while you are on bed rest. I think you can make a list of reasonable chores that each person in the family can do. Emma is 7. She and I cleaned the kids' bathroom together today. Each kid takes a turn cleaning their bathroom about once a week. She cleaned the mirrors, sink, inside of the toilet, swept and mopped, took out the trash and moved everything in and out of the bathroom. I scrubbed the tub and the outside of the toilet. Aidan is in charge of taking out the trash every Saturday. Ian takes out the compost. The kids take turns sorting the recycling. Occasionally I can get Aidan to vacuum. Occasionally I assign two of the kids to pick up the toy room. They clean their rooms once a week. If they clean a bathroom that isn't theirs or wash windows or pull weeds I pay them. Their rooms and bathrooms they do for free since it is their own mess they are cleaning up. All of this said, my house is still a mess, but we are at least trying as a team to keep it under control.
Cameron is old enough to put her clothes in the dirty laundry, put away clean silverware, set the table, put toys away, sort laundry, clean her room and lots of other things. You might have to supervise while she does these things. Emma takes forever to clean her room and gets distracted unless I am in there with her. So I lay on her bed with a book and advise her on what she should do. First, pick up only her clothes, when that is done, only toys, then only books, then only trash--done. I think for kids, when they have a big task it needs to be broken down into smaller tasks or else they get frustrated.
I hope this helps. We don't have to be slaves to the house and our families and we don't have to be slave drivers either. I think there is a happy medium somewhere. Plus, you want your children and husband to be able to function without out you if needs be. Cameron will be a mom with her own family someday and training for that can never start too early--the same goes for boys. I hope to teach each of my kids basic survival skills: cooking, cleaning, sewing on a button or mending a rip, changing a tire (dad might have to teach that one, it has been a while) before they move out. I think I can teach them to do that stuff, but how can I get them to do it without whining?
Since everyone in my family contributes to the mess, everyone has to help make things clean. I married a man who likes things clean so he helps out a lot. I can't stand when he doesn't clean up after himself, drives me nuts. I'm not his mother, I'm his wife. I don't expect anyone to clean up after me. Some chores just kind of became either my job or his without it ever being discussed. I bathe the kids, he bathes the dogs, he does the yard and cars, I do diapers and pay bills. Some things we both do like dishes, straightening up the house, cleaning bathrooms, and vacuuming. I do most of the cleaning, though, because I'm home and he's at work all day but he helps out a lot. I do all the cooking and shopping.
Luckily Kendall is at an age where she wants to help out so she folds rags and hands me dishes to put away. We make her clean up the playroom and other things if she's the one who made the mess. She likes to help make beds. She likes to vacuum but mostly does that at Grammy's house since her vacuum is easier to push around.
As she and Gage get older they'll have a decent amount of responsibility. I want my kids to know how to work hard and be contributing members of the family. I won't be a slave driver but we're a team and I expect everyone to help out.
Since all my kids are so little, it takes more effort on my part to get them to clean up than if I just did it myself, but I have them do what they can (even though I'd rather do it myself). If they spill things like Cheerios on the floor, Ruth and Ada get to pick up every piece. Ada is used to doing this now, and will pick them up whether or not she made the mess, but Ruth really resists cleaning (because she's only 22 months old). They help clean up their toy room (again, more effort to get them to help than if I just did it myself). Ada will help throw things away for me, like dirty diapers. Ada "helped" scrub the tile floor with me the other day, which she really enjoyed, and luckily she got bored of that after about 10 minutes. They are each in charge of their own sippy cups (they only have one each). If they want a drink, they have to go find where ever they left their sippy cup because I'm not going to go looking for it. When they're older, I'll have them clean up their stuff, but probably not somebody else's. I wouldn't expect Ada to clean Ruth's room, or Ruth to fold my clothes. When I had to do things like that when I was young, it only fostered resentment towards my family members.
When it comes to my husband, I expect him to do absolutely nothing around the house. When he comes home from an exhaustive day of work (not that my work at home isn't exhaustive with three kids, three years and under), I want him to be able to do what he wants and needs to do, rather than having expectations from me of the chores he has to do. I want him to love to come home to me. I want to make home a better place than work. I want him to be treated better at home than he is at work. I don't want to give him a reason to stay at work longer than he needs to. When he walks through the door, he's worshiped by the kids and me. He's showered with hugs and kisses and "what can I do for you?" and any happy news I can share with him.
Although I assume 100% of the household chores myself, my husband probably does at least half of the things that need to be done, without me ever asking him to. Instead of asking, nagging, or requiring him to do things, he gets thanked and praised for "helping" me in whatever he chooses to do. He usually cooks dinner. He usually does the dishes. He always pays the bills. He always mows the lawn (I have bad allergies, so that's nice), he always takes the dumpster to the curb, he sometimes puts clothes in the washer, but I try to prevent him from folding anything (yikes!). He sometimes vacuums. He'll change diapers, dress the girls, put kids to bed, bathe them, and run to the store (although we almost always go shopping as a family). For all this, I'm grateful, because I don't expect him to do it. I don't ever want to nag him. I'm not his mother, for Pete's sake! =) If I have expectations of him, then he could possibly be in the position of always letting me down. I don't want to be disappointed in him, but he's a grown man and he'll do what he wants. But I can change what I do (since I have complete control of myself), and most importantly, change my attitude.
I suspect that because he's treated like a king, he, in turn, wants to treat me the same. It's like a competition of who can do more nice things for the other person. What I love about this system is that I have all the power. It's me who sets this standard at our house. I'm the one who is as loving as I want to be, and in return, I get as much love as I want back. I get what I give. I don't have to nag him to do anything. He's an incredible man, and I help bring out the best in him through love, not by nagging or having expectations. And I always feel like he does too much, and that I need to do more for him. And he probably feels the same way. In the words of Spike, from Notting Hill, it's a "vicious circle."
I don't tell my husband any of this, though. Men are such simple creatures and are so predictable and so easily manipulated. I don't want to let him in on the secret of how I get him to help me. So, shh! Don't tell him.
WOW Robyn, I don't know if I could swing that in my house. More power to you for making it work that way.
My husband came from a household in which his younger sister stayed home on Saturday's and had to clean the house with my mother in law. She cleaned his bathroom, ironed and hung up his clothes and vacuumed his room and made his bed. It sort of is like that now in my house, but I am his wife. In my house I am the cleaner, the diaperer, the moper, the vacuumer, the occasional cook (if pushing microwave buttons count) the folder of clothes, the putter awayer of clothes, the shuttler, the payor of bills and sometimes I mow the lawn.
All of this I do after I work 7 hours a day after waking up at 4:30 in the morning and going to bed at 10:00 at night. He mows the lawn, washes the trucks and takes the trash out occasionally!
When Elianna is older, we will revisit the chores chart and divvy up the work load.
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