Talking About Sex With Your Child
by Jaxi Rothman
Child, Adolescent, and Family Psychotherapist
"There mere title of this article may send waves of panic through many parents. But in light of Jamie Lynn Spears, the 16 year old actress who plays the main character on the popular Nickelodeon program Zoey 101, becoming pregnant, I thought we might try to tackle this one now.
. . . Kids who feel they can talk to their parents about sex are less likely to engage in high-risk behaviors. Start this discussion when your kids are young; chances are your child has already heard many truths and mostly non-truths about sex, and it can't hurt to initiate the conversation. Know your own values, and know that those values will affect your children; this will help shape what kind of conversation you and your child will have. Depending on the age of the child, you will need to explain no only the mechanics of sex, but also the emotions, responsibilities, and feelings that are so important surrounding sex. Give accurate, age-appropriate information.
For your kindergartners, teach them the correct names for their body parts and answer questions they may have. Their curiosity level may vary greatly at this age. Some kids may ask where babies come from, and some may ask specifically about sex. Continue to answer their questions and follow their lead.
For your 5th graders, talk about body parts and how their bodies are changing and will continue to change as they grow up. Tell them what their body parts do, and where their body parts go in order to have sex. While you are explaining how people become pregnant, explain what people need to do to prevent pregnancy. This may include abstinence and various forms of birth control. Talk about relationships, trust, being in love and about being respectful of other people's bodies and their wishes.
. . . Provide your child with basic information without overwhelming them. Give a brief answer to a question or provide a short sentence and wait and see what your child says next. . . . The tone you set is important and the more relaxed and open you are, the more your child will come to you for guidance and explanation in the future."
I know that was kind of long to read, but I totally agree with what she wrote. I think people don't talk enough about sex in the home. I think a lot of teen pregnancy happens because kids don't know enough to know that they can get pregnant just from having sex one time. Also, kids hear a lot of weird stuff in school from their peers that isn't necessarily true. It is part of our job as parents to instruct and inform. It makes me a little uncomfortable, but I would much rather have my kids asking me how things work than asking older kids.
So far we have only explained the mechanics of sex to our oldest son. He was a little surprised about how babies are made. We explained to him that he should only make babies with someone if he is married to them because babies need both a mom and a dad. That is all we have covered so far and for now it is probably enough. We also told him that he shouldn't talk about sex with his friends, just his parents.
I have a friend that actually does work in a youth correctional center and has done research that supports the idea that the more comfortable kids feel talking about sex with their parents, the less likely they are to have sex or unprotected sex.
How do you all approach this topic with your kids? How soon is too soon? Something taboo (like the word "stupid" for instance) always seems more appealing and fascinating.
Another reason why it is good to talk about this stuff early on is so that your kids don't get the shock of their lives on their honeymoon. I know way too many people who had uncomfortable or miserable wedding nights resulting from the simple lack of information about something that is an important part of marriage.
6 comments:
Although my girls are way too young for the sex talk, I totally agree with you. Children need to feel like they can come to their parents with anything, however uncomfortable it may be. Sex SHOULD be talked about appropriately, after all, its not a bad thing.
The article organizes the "sex talk" really well and age appropriately. After all, just because we talke about it with our children doesn't mean we need to give kinky details.
Ah- the birds and the bees talk. I totally agree with Stephanie. If we don't talk to them about it, they may get the idea that it is a bad thing, which really could confuse them, not to mention make it more intriguing because of the "forbidden factor."
I shudder to think of the kind of info. they would get from kids at school. Unfortunately its not the easiest thing to discuss. I don't look forward to the day I have to, but better they hear it from me than someone else.
I think it's important because it also affords them some protection against sexual abuse. If they know what's going on they will know that they can try to stop it or call for help and talk to their parents about it.
I don't think there is a set age when you should talk about these things. Just make sure the child is ready and mature enough to hear about it. I agree that if a topic is taboo it becomes more intriguing, but I don't think we need to divulge too much. For example, I don't think a 5th grader needs a lesson about "where their body parts go in order to have sex," like the handout says. We also need to make sure we teach them gospel principles on the topic. Like that sex is a sacred thing for a married couple. And our bodies are temples... You know how it goes.
I knew which body part went where by 5th grade but I don't remember where I learned it. I didn't really get it I'm sure but I knew the basics.
I agree, though, that it's the parents job to teach those things. I don't want the school or other children doing that. The information won't be the same and there won't be any reason for them to come to me with questions and concerns if the subject hadn't already been discussed between us.
We had a talk with Kendall recently at the doctors office about who could look at and touch her down there and why and that if ANYONE else tried to to tell them to stop and tell us right away. Other than that she knows the real names for things but has dubbed them names of her own.
I can talk pretty openly with my mom about sex but I think my dad would have an anuerism if any of us talked to him about it. He knows we're married and all have babies but I think he's in denial that we married couples had to do anything to get those babies.
Yeah, most 5th graders probably know how sex works. I just didn't like how they said "where THEIR body parts go." I don't like how they personalized it.
I agree. I don't want my children imagining themselves doing anything like that.
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